Mud Fence Creations | Conni Delinger
The Vision Council of America estimates that 75 percent of Americans use corrective eyewear of some sort, with sixty-four percent in the form of glasses, either prescription, or simple “cheaters.” If you are among the remaining 25 percent, I envy you.
Many years ago, I went to a new, young optometrist, complaining that I could no longer see to thread my sewing machine needle. He blithely said, “Yes, that happens as you get older.” Catching his gaffe, he quickly added, “Have you turned forty yet?” Smiling, I informed him that I had SHOES older than him! A couple visits ago, I chuckled as I noticed that he, a new grandpa, has joined the 75 percent, and now wears contact lenses.
I only need the glasses for up-close stuff, such as the needle, or very small print, so he prescribed tri-focals, with the top portion barely corrected, the middle section to reduce eye strain at the computer, and the lower portion for reading (or threading), rather than the “granny” style. However, I find it annoying to wear them, so they often end up on top of my head until I need them. Prior to going on a mission to El Salvador, I started wearing them on a chain, like the librarian of old, to break myself of the on-top-of-head habit, lest I lean over a latrine in the jungle and … well, you get the picture.
I was holding my young grandson, who saw the glasses dangling like a necklace, and he grabbed them and said, ”No, Gamma, they’re ’posed to be up here,” and promptly placed them on top of my head. Therein lies the problem. They constantly fall off the top of my head; to prevent this, I lay them down. Once, after returning from a conference, I looked absolutely everywhere for my glasses. Finally bought new ones. The following year, as I prepared to go to the same conference, I opened my briefcase, only to find them inside, safe and sound. I get a great deal of exercise trying to find them!
I also get to spend a great deal of money replacing them. This past year, I went through FIVE pairs of glasses. A routine exam netted new glasses, as well as being told I had cataracts. The consulting ophthalmologist said the cataracts were not the problem, it was an easy surgically-correctable family trait, and that it may change my eyeglasses prescription, which it did, by three clicks! As soon as the new glasses arrived, I promptly bent over, with them on my head, and dropped them flat on the asphalt, chipping and scratching both lenses. The optician felt sorry for me since I had only had them for two weeks, and he replaced them for free.
The next pair lasted a month or so, until I caught my toe on the threshold of my front door, and went flying head-first into the balcony railing, throwing the glasses to the ground and cracking one lens. As soon as the replacement pair came in, I was packing to go to California for Christmas, and misplaced them. I had been in the garage, rummaging, sorting, and packing the car, so I was sure they had dropped into a box or such. But I was literally getting in the car, so I grabbed an old pair, which I could barely see through because they were three clicks ago, and I headed out, ordering another set on the way.
On my way home from California, I picked up the new pair and was determined to find the missing ones. As I unpacked, I searched. As I cleaned the garage, I searched. They were not in the house, nor in the car and, goodness knows, I searched everywhere I could think of, to no avail. It became a frustrating venture, but at least I had my newest new ones.
A realtor came over the other day to look at my house as a possible listing. He poked around, explored the closets, counted the bedrooms, and went to the basement to view the furnace and hot water tank. I don’t like basements, so I stood halfway down the stairs to answer any questions. When he asked a specific question about an alcove, I had to go all the way in, to see where he meant. As I stood there, I looked at a heads-high brick shelf next to me, and VOILÀ – there were my glasses, neatly folded for safekeeping!
It was then I remembered that, just prior to leaving for Christmas, I had been rushing to prepare the house for freezing weather, and putting pool noodle type insulation on the basement pipes. I had been in that same alcove, with my new glasses on top of my head, and had placed them there to protect them! I have now put them away in a secure but remember-able place, for safekeeping, since I have a feeling I’ll be needing them soon!
Conni Delinger lives in Stanton. A business woman, she also is a freelance writer. Her column appears monthly in The Express. You can reach her at mudfencecreations@yahoo.com.