A toilet trained cat

The lady who writes the column that appears above mine did a couple about a dog. I like dogs and dog stories. Dogs are ideal for people wanting a pet that both worships them and performs useful tasks. Not all dogs will do either, but given the right surroundings and training the chances are good. 

But on the other hand if you’re seeking a companion and are willing to associate with an animal that does not adore you, amuses you but sees you as inferior, an animal possessed of curiosity and intelligence that refuses to do anything it doesn’t want to do, consider a cat. A dog wants more than anything to please his master. A cat sees the world differently—you exist to please it. There has never been a seeing-eye cat. Dogs beg; cats demand. Dogs do have drawbacks. They bark or howl, insist on sniffing when and where you wish they wouldn’t, and are inclined to deposit used Purina where it will be stepped in.

A cat, on the other hand, can be toilet trained. This may seem a surprising achievement, but understand the cat learns for its own convenience and not because you want it to.   

The steps are fairly simple. Start with a young cat that is learning the ins and outs of a litter box. Cat experts say that older cats, with older habits, are more difficult. Place the litter box by the toilet. Give the cat a couple of days to get accustomed to the location, then slide something under the box to raise it an inch or two. Continue this over a period of several days, backing off if the cat balks. Gradually the litter box is elevated to the level of the commode, then placed on it. The details from this point are too tedious for our column, but can easily be found on the internet. The system won’t work with every cat, but it can be done.

A fringe benefit is that many people, particularly children, shriek with laughter while watching the cat assume a position on the throne. No person or animal, other than a cat, could do this while retaining an air of regal aloofness. A dog, trying to balance four legs on a toilet seat, would look absurd. Small breeds would fall in. 

The money saved on kitty litter can be spent on fresh fish or, in the case of my wife’s cat, for brie. 

But if you try this be aware of two things. A cat instinctively wants to cover waste. As the method described makes covering impractical the cat may try something else. Ours unrolls toilet paper, occasionally the entire spool. The second caution has to do with flushing. Under normal conditions the cat is unable to do this. But some people modify their toilet and show the cat the final step in the potty process. Experts say this is easily done as cats enjoy watching the whirlpool as much as unrolling toilet paper. But these same experts tell us a cat that learns to flush is likely to keep on flushing and your water bill may go out of sight. 

Next week we promise to get back to history.