Wrong Ways to Write Right

Though I generally perform a rite before letting others check to see if I wrote right, occasionally I later discover I’ve missed words that prove my fingers don’t always land on the right keys when I write.

At one of my first jobs, I typed a movie scene in which cows were to be seen from the o-p-p-o-site direction. My o’s and p’s traded places, leaving the cameraman to shoot the cows from the, well, with their tails to the camera.

Years later, in a Christian school’s newsletter, g never got typed and f and t switched falling to the page. My experience and theology knew to write: “God gives us gifts.” My fingers wrote: “God gives us fits.” Thankfully, God understands intentions.

Even if I enter data perfectly, imagine how unreasonable our language seems to those for whom it is not native.

For example, before going outside, most people get dressed, right?

But we want chicken and fish dressed before we eat them, and at Thanksgiving, people eat dressing.

In spelling, if it’s lead and led, why isn’t it, read and red?

Or sound-alikes mess you up: read and reed or very and vary or medal, meddle, medal, mettle.

What about words with different meanings? Think about words like ‘drive.’ You might ride a horse for a cattle drive, sit in a car to learn to drive, because of your inborn drive to be caring toward others, you donate to a coat or mitten drive, and later you put the car in drive, leave your drive and deliver the donation.

We say and spell three to, too, twos and two through and threws, but through can mean finished, between, in and out, because of, without stops between the start and finish, and we say there are people or politics we can see through, too.

Or think about this: A king can have many subjects who must consider him their master but the king’s subject who will never sit on the throne won’t graduate without mastering many subjects.

We surmise a clock’s working if it strikes. When the blacksmith strikes the anvil, he’s working. When unions strike, they’re not. And when a worker strikes gold or oil or gas, the worker hopes to get rich. But if the worker strikes a match near gas, his last thought won’t be about riches. About the only one getting rich from strikes is a good major league pitcher whose wife can be faithful shopping for pitchers.

Okay, let’s do some serious grammar.

If the plural of mouse is mice, why isn’t the plural of house hice?

And why should a spelling like niece rhyme with a word like geese?

If geese’s singular is goose, doesn’t it stand to reason cheese’s singular should be choose?

If we pluralize goose geese, why don’t we pluralize moose, meese?

And speaking of animals, how can anyone tell whether you only saw one deer or sheep, or a field full of them unless you elaborate?

Why do we say we’re going to get a ‘hair’ cut when we’d all protest if beauticians quit after cutting just one?

Man and can are rhyming nouns. If there’s more than one man, we say ‘men.’ But let’s say they’re holding pop cans. Why don’t we either say mans are holding pop cans, or say men are holding pop cens?

We get the pattern of today I sell, yesterday I sold; today, tell, yesterday, told. But who ever thought it was right to yell today and yesterday to yold?

Finally, these irregularities:

When years of work have made you tired, why do you quit and then say you’re retired?

To join the military, you enlist. If you like it, you probably re-enlist.

To join a company, you’re asked to sign. If you like it, should you resign?

This week’s column may be weak, but I’m out of space, unless allotted some in outer space.

Marge Warder is a general assignment reporter. E-mail her at news@redoakexpress.com.